How Many Bishops Does it Take to....?

"Light bulb burned out." It used to be a semi-Tourettic utterance whenever you first ran into Sajid Mughal. I always attributed it to his father's aptitude with and passion for anything electrical (as Laney calls it electricassee, like fricassee.) We always just assumed that Rashid indoctrinated his third child hard and early with his proper interests. Even now, when I visit the Smiths, Sajid often greets me with "Light bulb burned out."

I have since learned however, that Darrell may be the driving force behind this fixation. It seems he prowls any store he thinks might sell light bulbs, or he thinks might know someone who does, looking for the newest and most advanced energy saving technology. When we do visit the Smiths it is very common for a light bulb chore to be awaiting my arrival (or picture hanging, or the high placement of an angel statue or.... These tasks have waned because most of the wall space is covered now.) It is a well known fact that only people over the height of 6' 4" are supposed to change light bulbs. There is a special light bulb changing gene that has recently been identified by scientists. This particular DNA sequence is connected with the characteristics for height as well.

I envision Darrell spending long days comparing lifetime hour ratings, and wattage and energy consumption before returning home with a full household compliment of the latest lightbulbs. He may spend $20 per bulb. But, he has the most energy efficient home in the zip code as far as lighting is concerned. I am often telling him that our lights might not be very efficient. But, about half of the bulbs that were in our 15 year old house when we bought it have never replaced. We try to turn off lights when we can.

Unfortunately, the Smiths have a huge, 1400 square foot living room with a ceiling up to 30 feet or so. This ceiling has 25 or more canned lighting fixtures. So, the neighborhood is canvassed for the tallest ladder and intrepid, I am sent arrampicando on the ladder. Or, I can use the 28 piece collapsible light bulb replacement tool with the suction cup on the end (this tool also doubles as a lightning rod whenever you should need such a thing) All during the procedure Darrell hovers with the close constant observation and coaching of an expectant mother.

Last Sunday this scene played out again. This time it was the smoke alarm. It is hard-wired and also has a backup battery. The battery had run low and issued the appropriate and annoying 3 weeks of chirping to let them know it was low. So he bought a new $25 LiIon battery. There is no suction cup tool for this job and of course the detector is at the highest point of the house. We asked everyone we could think of but found no oxygen mask or parachute. I was just going to have to risk it. I scrambled up the ladder (really, once you get past the 20 foot mark the oscillating subsides immensely.) Fielding was explaining how to open the battery access door. I wondered if he really thought his sister would marry someone who was mentally challenged.

I popped out the old spent cell replaced it with the new 50 year lifetime guaranteed LiIon top-of-the-line masterpiece and was down the ladder before you could say Jack Robinson. At the bottom I was greeted with all the cheers and praise heaped upon Lindbergh at his ocean crossing. Then a faint chirp sounded from the alarm. Darrell: "Are you sure you put the battery in correctly, you know, you have to follow the polarity." Once again I wondered what they thought about Lenore. After several gravity defying trips up and down the ladder. We settled on a lowly normal 9 volt battery that worked fine. Darrell broke out the voltmeter and found that the fancy one was not consistent in reading a charge.

Libraries come equipped with ladders on rollers that access an entire wall. The Smith home should have a pulley on a runner affixed to the main ceiling beam in their living room with a rope permanently attached to the pulley so that I can safely be hoisted at the drop of a hat.