Helen Wheels

The drive home from Saint George was interesting and comical. We had to be home in time to watch "24", so we could catch up on all the new torture techniques we might need to employ if we ever encounter some unsuspecting Muslim neighbor.

We stopped at the outlet mall and bought an insufficient quantity of unneeded chocolates and goodies. After we got on the road the kids settled into their routines. Ailsa was clackity clacking away on some story. Laney and Jensen were watching Corpse Bride. And mom was browsing one of her favorite websites and mumbling about how difficult it is to the use the browser on my Treo.

The storm set in and soon we were tooling along at 30-40 mph behind a long line of cars in the passing lane not passing the occasional car in the "slow" lane. I had to keep turning the defroster on to clear the windows. But, then we would start roasting in the car. With the blue Explorer it's either all or nothing. Pretty soon the windshield wipers were so clogged with ice that they only serviced a very small swath of the windshield. I'm hunching down to try to see through the tiny patch of clear in front of me and still grumbling about the drivers in the passing lane apparently afraid to cross the 3/8ths inch of deadly snow separating the two lanes of traffic.

We dug into the goodies and quickly consumed all of the chocolate and the most thin and tenders bits of seanut brittle (see spongebob). Not wanting to bother Lenore, who is speckled with pieces of chocolate and carmel, I hold the steering wheel in my knees and try to break the remaining large, thick piece of candy. A fragment from the breaking seanut brittle springs into my eye. I imagine Stewie from Family Guy practicing for the Olympics with a huge shard of glass protruding from his forehead.

In my mind's eye I concoct a vision: I lose control of the car and we take flight over the edge of the embankment. None of the cars around us notices or stops because of the whiteout conditions. Weeks later Highway Patrolmen come upon the scene and find our lifeless bodies, well preserved because the defroster is still going at 180 degrees.