Christmas 2004

I'm sitting here with the family in the master bedroom watching the LDS Church First Presidency Christmas Fireside enjoying the beautiful music and the wonderful spirit. It is common for us to hole up around our bed at night. At this time of year we gather as much for warmth as for association. I am wearing a small Laney size knit cap that I often wear at night in bed to keep me warm. We have had an early onset of a hard cold. It is this time of year that we wonder why we live here in this frozen wasteland rivaling the deepest depths of Dante's hell. Our skin dries and cracks. With only 17 minutes of sunshine per day, our skin pales and achieves a transparent pallor formerly only obtainable with arsenic therapy. We take on ursine habits and proportions, packing away vast stores of fat and carbohydrates at every meal. At the same time our metabolisms grind to a halt. It's no longer practical for me to go for a bike ride and burn 1000 calories per hour. I am far above my combat weight. Nobody can look young, attractive or healthy in this clime. We could turn up the thermostat. But, we are a little stingy with our heating budget and it seems very wasteful to spend so much money and resources to heat the whole house when we can put on a sweater and congregate in the same room. I often wonder out loud how the pioneers had the fortitude to stay in Salt Lake City especially after they learned what that first hard winter was like. They must not yet have known of those meteorological wonders such as Marin County or San Diego or even Hawaii (where the air is so dewy sweet the stamps lick themselves.)

If Bud Greenspan were asked to describe Laney's year he would say she went through a “bad patch.” We had been prodding her for a long time about giving up her ciuccio. We told her that big four-year old girls didn't need one and Ailsa told her if she continued with it her teeth would end up looking like the Captain of the Black Pearl. (She was very impressed with Geoffrey Rush and his crew in Pirates of the Caribbean.) So she voluntarily went cold turkey on her birthday. Thus, it is not altogether incomprehensible that for the next couple of months it was like living with a crack addict in remission. She was quite volatile and unruly. Her tone and demeanor have now mellowed approximately to pre-ciuccio withdrawal levels. For a while though she was prone to Joan Crawford fits of rage and her language was peppered with the word “hate.” She has learned to “trol her temper” and substitute “I don't like” for the “h” word. Fortunately, now even this euphemism seems to be slipping from her vocabulary. Anytime you need a prayer said, Laney is your girl. If left up to her 80% of the prayers in the household would issue from her mouth. There are some pleas that are included with every oration. As a result, her playmates enjoy the best celestial protection possible and there is no way that Laney will ever kick her friend AnnaMarie (Laney pronunciation: AnnaMurray) again.

One day she wanted to play hide and seek. So I hid near the piano. She came upstairs, looked around a little and then started going to the top floor. I didn't want this to take forever nor have her get frustrated so I gently played one note on the piano to get her attention. There was great delight when she found me. Giggle, laugh, shriek, giggle, giggle. Now it was my turn to be “it” and she hid. When I came up from the basement she started to pound repeatedly and loudly on one of the piano keys. Maxine was nearby and looked at me as if to say, “can you get her to stop that?” Laney was so clever to find such a unique place to hide! The other day in Primary she announced to the whole child congregation, “my underwear is not working!” Apparently, she and her tights were having a disagreement, she was on the losing end and was uncomfortable. It is not unusual for her to remove her tights in Primary. Once when driving to San Clemente, she started whimpering in the vicinity of I-15 and I-91 and exclaimed, “Jensen is skinky.” We soon realized we had just passed the famed and fragrant cattle lots of Norco, California. One night while negotiating her going to bed she complained that her finger was “skinky.” I asked if she had put it in her ear again. She replied affirmatively. But, added that she was pretty sure it wouldn't be skinky in the morning. She obviously had some experience with this.

Jensen really isn't “skinky” and is becoming less so every day. A couple of months ago she participated in a “reflections” forum for local elementary school kids. She showed off her drawings and taught and demonstrated how to draw. She really enjoyed herself because the kids reacted as if she were omniscience incarnate. Since Ailsa left Kimber, I think Jensen is enjoying school more. It has allowed Jensen to come into her own a little and blossom. Not that she doesn't like Ailsa. On the contrary, we are really pleased that she and Ailsa get along so well and really always have. They will draw upon that a lot throughout their lives. The youth in our Stake performed a Pioneer Trek reenactment this summer. Ailsa, Jensen and I participated. I wasn't really excited to go. But, it was a great experience that I may have to do again. We spent three plus days in northeastern Utah on a cattle ranch and hiked a little more than 20 miles with a handcart. If you have no other reason to do this, it is amazing to put yourself in the place of your ancestors and step back in time without modern conveniences. The Stake put together a really nice DVD of the event in which Ailsa figures prominently. But, Daddy and Jensen have extremely minor roles.

Some of our biggest news is that Ailsa graduated two years early and is now attending Salt Lake Community College. Last January year she had told us that she hoped to graduate from Kimber Academy in June. We figured it was wishful thinking. However, she surprised us all by passing her exams and writing an acceptable 120 page thesis. We are very proud that she set a goal and achieved it. She isn't exactly loving SLCC. But, she realizes it is necessary and is being a pretty good sport about it. She loved her computer class and hated..., I mean didn't like Biology. It has taken awhile. But, we are pretty comfortable with her driving now. She hasn't hit anything except the side of the garage (the rear view mirror came off, but snapped back into place.) She did get a flat one day and continued to drive on it until the front tire was shredded and wrapped around the suspension. The wheel was nearly ruined and what was left of the tire may not have been acceptable even to send to a sandal shop in Chihuahua. “The car felt a little funny.” I guess the sparks from the front driver's side and the scurl of scraping metal weren't in and of themselves very alarming (or she couldn't hear anything over the din of The Darkness blaring from the radio.) Ailsa has not yet achieved oneness with anything mechanical, except perhaps her hair iron.

I set a goal of riding 3000 miles on my bicycle this year. At this point I am 69 miles short of that goal and I probably won't make it because the weather is so darn cold and I am such a wimp about it. Riding highlights include a two-hour paced ride with a couple of friends where we covered 42 miles. I might not be riding nearly as much next year because of my new Church calling. The Bishop of our ward was “promoted” to 2nd counselor in the Stake Presidency in September. After serving with him for six years I thought he knew how tired I was and was well acquainted with my abilities and attitude. So it's a little surprising that he didn't object when the Stake President wanted to call me as our new Bishop. I thought I would be given a little break. I tried adopting a funky hairdo and wearing a little facial hair. But, I drew the line at using “farm words”, and that may have kept me from becoming unacceptable to the Lord. Truthfully, It is an honor and a blessing to serve in this capacity and Lenore and the girls have responded with all sorts of support. Laney blesses the Bishop and the Bishop's family all the time in her prayers.

Lenore had a brush with fame this year with her late grandmother's house appearing briefly in a couple scenes of Napoleon Dynamite. It's in the left background when they show Pedro's house. We are waiting for a call from the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. Lenore is getting used to being “Sister Bishop”. She says she spends all her time preparing her Gospel Doctrine lessons, Laney training and wrangling, and chasing Jensen's retainer around the house. She said that as she wiped remnants of bon bons from her mouth.

The Lillywhites
toddlillywhite@gmail.com